Friday, June 17, 2011


Oft times, when I need a compass to help me weather the torrent seas of life, I ask that time old question, "Tiff, how do I become a strong black woman like you?" I have yet to conquer the answer to that question, but I can say she does throw me some crumbs from time to time.

It was through her divine inspiration that I was able to compile the Cuddler's Manifesto. To every socially akward mormon, (perhaps the largest demographic of mormons known to mankind) who needs a little lovin from time to time, without the attachment. This one's for you. Call it a set of guidelines, a list of laws, or a map to help every well-intentioned spooner to their destination unscathed and with dignity still intact. Perhaps this is a little too PG for my non-mormon or man whore friends, but I can think of a small country full of people who could use a little physical contact from the opposite sex. Too judgy? Whatevs. You were thinking it too. Then again, perhaps I am the only person who would benefit from such a declaration, as I have been known to be somewhat of a cuddle whore. And though that title may have substance, I wasn't the one who suggested making pamphlets of this list and handing them out in Relief Society.


1. Emotional detachment is necessary.
If you cant do it, dont do it.

2. Stay in control.
(Of your emotions, of the situation, of what you're doing, etc. etc.)

3. Know what you want out of the situation before you get into it.
It decreases the chance for dissapointment; if your vehicle is veering off the road of expectation early on, get off the road.

4. Keep it short-term.
Repeated meetings increase the chance of emotional attachment. Either do it very sporadically with the same person, or do it a bunch in a short time period. (sidenote: if it progresses to making out or more, you can only do it once, MAYBE twice, or else you will be tricking yourself into progressing into a "friends with benefits" relationship, which does not functionally exist!)

5. Target must be a beautiful douche.
Pretty for the sake of attraction, douche for the purpose of being repelled enough not to want attachment... or a full on conversation. See Mormonus Douche Maximus

6. Be honest with yourself.
If you start thinking for a SECOND about a relationship, meeting his parents, or holding his hand in public. Abort mission. This is not a cuddle. It's a crush.

No douches were specifically mentioned or harmed in the making of this blog.