Friday, June 17, 2011


Oft times, when I need a compass to help me weather the torrent seas of life, I ask that time old question, "Tiff, how do I become a strong black woman like you?" I have yet to conquer the answer to that question, but I can say she does throw me some crumbs from time to time.

It was through her divine inspiration that I was able to compile the Cuddler's Manifesto. To every socially akward mormon, (perhaps the largest demographic of mormons known to mankind) who needs a little lovin from time to time, without the attachment. This one's for you. Call it a set of guidelines, a list of laws, or a map to help every well-intentioned spooner to their destination unscathed and with dignity still intact. Perhaps this is a little too PG for my non-mormon or man whore friends, but I can think of a small country full of people who could use a little physical contact from the opposite sex. Too judgy? Whatevs. You were thinking it too. Then again, perhaps I am the only person who would benefit from such a declaration, as I have been known to be somewhat of a cuddle whore. And though that title may have substance, I wasn't the one who suggested making pamphlets of this list and handing them out in Relief Society.


1. Emotional detachment is necessary.
If you cant do it, dont do it.

2. Stay in control.
(Of your emotions, of the situation, of what you're doing, etc. etc.)

3. Know what you want out of the situation before you get into it.
It decreases the chance for dissapointment; if your vehicle is veering off the road of expectation early on, get off the road.

4. Keep it short-term.
Repeated meetings increase the chance of emotional attachment. Either do it very sporadically with the same person, or do it a bunch in a short time period. (sidenote: if it progresses to making out or more, you can only do it once, MAYBE twice, or else you will be tricking yourself into progressing into a "friends with benefits" relationship, which does not functionally exist!)

5. Target must be a beautiful douche.
Pretty for the sake of attraction, douche for the purpose of being repelled enough not to want attachment... or a full on conversation. See Mormonus Douche Maximus

6. Be honest with yourself.
If you start thinking for a SECOND about a relationship, meeting his parents, or holding his hand in public. Abort mission. This is not a cuddle. It's a crush.

No douches were specifically mentioned or harmed in the making of this blog.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

No warm fuzzies found here.

First things first. I should probably explain the nickname. The short version? It is the product of a label given to me by friends who know that I keep it fresh. always. explained.

Second order of business, I made a promise to a certain father figure in my life, Tiffany Jacelle Erickson that I would make a blog by this week after months (perhaps years?) of requests to create one. Though I have been open to the idea, I have always had a particularly strong aversion towards creating a blog for several reasons. Mainly, I think people are basically dull. I don't have a strong urge to read the musings of my peers... call me condescending but I have little interest in your wedding plans, your babies' feeding schedule, your opinions on dating, or your lack of knowledge in world events. It takes a lot to capture my attention long enough to read an entire blog post.. It's really nothing personal. It's not you, it's me... and you've really gotta be a great writer, full of witty quips, or hilarious stories for you to keep my attention. Having said that, creating a blog puts me in quite a bind. It means that I must be all of those things or else I will be a hypocrite. However, I have now come to the enlightening conclusion that I am only a hypocrite if I expect people to like, read, or follow my blog. I expect none of these things. I really only expect Tiff to read this thing and so it kind of takes the pressure off.

Now, to my one follower, Empress Jacelle, I hope to give you this one disclaimer: though I have fulfilled the covenant I made to you of creating a blog (that quite frankly, I didn't expect you to hold me to) I hope that you know me well enough not to keep your expectations high. I will most likely keep this blog unkempt, full of slang words and the occasional preposition-ending sentence. Not to mention, periods of blogless stretches, where time stands still in a desert-like blogosphere. All I can say for now is, fear not. Have faith. I will return. On an unknown day, in an unknown hour, right when you least expect it, and right when you need it most.... I'll be there. To put the party back in your pants.

signing off.